Hotels: The Bottom of The Barrel

I spent three years as a business road warrior in the Southeast and have done more than my fair share of recreational travel. The two worst hotels I have experienced are:

1. The Good Night Motel, in Birmingham, AL
2. The Howard Johnson's in Salisbury, NC

Both were equally nasty and appeared to have been constructed in the late 1950's, during a strike of skilled construction workers. Both nearly resulted in my untimely death.

The Good Night Motel was the scene of my nearly having been shot in a gang-related theft of a tractor trailer. The details are too bizarre to even attempt to recreate here. The only two things that saved my life were: a) I had a valid driver's license and b) The cops finally showed up. It was one of the strangest nights of my life.

The Ho-Jo in North Carolina was overrun by 30 construction workers, all very drunk and all very Mexican. This was at the beginning of the Mexican-American population explosion. These guys felt like they needed to prove that they were authentic Latin Badasses. I nearly ended up in a fist fight just trying to find the Coke machine.

I left both establishments around 2:00 in the morning. Door wide open and the key in the lock. I figured there was no way someone could break into those rooms and make them any worse.

How to rate a hotel

I have always heard about 5-star hotels, those are supposed to be the best places in the world to sleep. Ordinary folk are usually relegated to two- or three-star hotels. Those who have traveled much have war stories about being forced to stay at a one-star hotel... Those who lived to tell the tale simply said, "nasty."

Now, all well-heeled men know that taking your lady to a motel means hot love action. Hotels are for humping.

Here are my suggested criteria for grading hotels.

5 stars - Your lady puts it on you twice in one day. The first before you even get all the luggage in the room.

4 stars - She puts it on you once (with oral action), but it is really hot.

3 stars - You get one above average session of poon.

2 stars - She says to you, "Could you put a move on it, I'm hungry."

1 star - She looks around the room and says to you "No." But after putting two tequila shots in her, you get some anyway.

0 stars - A can of Lysol is needed to make you feel comfortable touching anything. It takes three shots of tequila and some of the best moves a man has in his arsenal. You end up doing it in the car.

-1 stars - The place is so bad, you won't even put out. Anytime you attempt to remove your penis from his underwear house, he says to you "Ahhh, hell no, not in this place."

Get on it, Hotels.com.